the happiest moments of my life was last year .... working trip with my son during fasting and early raya puasa days.

i was with my youngest who accompanied me during my darkest yet most memorable time ... i really appreciate him being there for me and yet it was the most beautiful raya puasa i ever had since childhood.

Signs of a Bad Marriage Show Themselves Early
by Abigail van Buren

Dear Abby:

Two weeks ago, my husband let it slip that he wants a divorce. Since we were married, his personality has changed completely - he is not the man I married. I would like to pass along some tips for anyone considering marriage, and share some of the bright red flags I chose to ignore.

If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.
If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one person's fault.
If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.
Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.
If he's over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you, and don't marry him until he's financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it.
Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.
This is a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true that they all chose to side with his ex.
If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.
If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, run!
If he is one personality at work or with others, and another person alone with you, run.
If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it.
If he's an expert at everything and brags a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, eventually maybe even you.
If he has sexual problems, go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.
If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.
If he is never wrong and never apologises, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame. Or come to hate him.
If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ()," that's another sign of an abuser.
And if he's mean to children, pets or animals, recognise that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.

yipee am using the new setting at my work station and simply adorable

moving forward but not forgetting what he did

tat is a promise i intend to keep being married to him or not ... insyallah

Entry for June 07, 2008
Emotional Abuse
leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.
Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.
The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.
2. You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.
3. You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”
If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.
4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?
Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?
When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.
5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.
You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.
If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.
6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)
Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.
7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.
Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by emotional abuse, it is never too late to heal.
But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.
Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.
Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past emotional abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.

Entry for April 17, 2008
His mind is a classic narcissistic disordered ... and only deepened my worries about him and his children. He is using them to get to me as always without care ... I now hope that the bitch who is supply the N is enough but ... somehow I think his madness in wanting to have vengence on me his overriding everything. I know he is avoiding me ... to punish or is he deliriously happy with her ... I fear the former and every misfortune that I had for the past 2 -3 years seems to be his handiwork ... the car .. my job ... god he seems to sabortage every thing ...
I really pity him ... isnt here any more goodness left in the ugly old body of his ... he kept complaining about his Hormer looking face ... it is a smirk looking face like dorian gray ... minus his magic mirror and he really hates it and it really frightens me cos ... recently as I saw him ... he looks full of evil and I thought it was her work but .... the other way round.

Entry for March 22, 2008
It is really fun to see how my jerk ... he strangled me and came a calling the next day with the sweetest of behavior ... trying to romance the pants off me. And how fast he turned into MR Hyde when I refused. He went around practically showing off the scar I handed him ...
One police report later to emphasised my not wanting him as my husband .. I ve been given deposited money into my account.
I never been owner of such sum ... and now it is funny cos my Jerk never rewarded me that much.
Am glad he thus has someone else to give his shit too and all i need now is to recover and have my dignity and me back ..... he must be really having such a lot of fun bullying me into submission all these years .... hai to the emperor of Jerk.

Entry for March 23, 2008
Dear Jerk of mine ... you handed me such sum of money .. and you are right I am terrified cos ... feel like a trap has been sprung. Dear god such manipulation ... fairy tales of a prince gone beserk ... trapped princess turned into a mouse that gnawed in anger. Does that make her a mad person or an angry persona who is fighting back with all her live.
I hate you for what you are doing ... anipulative jerk ... go with your new found love and leave this old lady alone instead of your manipulativeness . One day you will get your just reward ....
Laugh away ............ you forgot that a trap and lost soul is alway taken pity by god and her cries for justice are usually heard.